yup I used to manually masturbate turkeys for artificial insemination.

till one day a turkey came up to me and said “gobble, gobble”

I said “oh hell no, you are getting a hand job like the rest”

I keed I keed. Happy turkey day everybody.

look for the turkey fry vid to come. yeah I know it is a bit late, but it will work next year and for xmas.

I brewed beer professionaly for about 7 years. Four at Crane River and 3.5 at Misty’s steakhouse and Brewery.

I was an active homebrewer when I first started working for Crane River. I made friends with the brewer and eventually got to assist a bit in the brewery. It was awesome. Brewing a batch of beer on a scale of 9 barrels (279 gallons) on proequipment is pretty easy. It does involve some manual labor, it is a dusty, sticky, smelly, and hot environment, but there is lots of just sit back and let it do its thing time. I was going to college and often would get my study on while brewing. Towards the end I would bring in my laptop and play games or watch movies.

Grinding 300 - 400 pounds of grain started it off. It was amazingly dusty. I wore a respirator and swimming goggles. Brewers lung is not fun. Mix the grain with temp controlled water and let it sit for 2 hours. Then rinse the sugar off the grain and boil the wort. Another 90 minutes of kicking it. Cool and move the wort to the fermenter, which took about an hour as well. A brew day took 9 hours.

The pride I felt inside my glass cage sweating like crazy peering out and seeing folks enjoying a product I made was awesome. Spraying the glass with wter when kids came up to the glass. Inviting interested folk who looked into the brewery for a look around. All of it was fun. Cleaning beer tanks out is not fun. being a brewer is mostly just cleaning with a scrubby. The manway was a 20 x 16 inch hole I had to climb through with a spelunker lightm gloves, boots, and buckets of cleaner. The tanks were not tall enough to stand up in so I squatted and scrubbed. Rinsing it out while inside it was a bit tricky.

I was able to make my own hours which ruled. Sometimes brewing late into the evening and watching the sun come up. I was going to classes and working other jobs as well, so I had to squeeze in brewing time whenever I could. Prob only about 20 hours a week on average. And free beer was a major benefit.

I loved home brewing and then I turned it into a job. It kinda wore on me after a while. The love and passion for brewing slipped away. I spent over a year trying to get out of it. Lucky for me George took over for me and he kicks butt. I still love good beer, I love trying new beers, I love beer, just not making thousands of gallons of it.

Here at the state IT dept we have a 1 year contract open to assist with the desktop server support team.

Should have a puter type degree and like not wearing jeans.

Just thought I would let yall know.

Following family tradition in the reverse, my Dad is now a donut maker which I once was. Papa had lost his job when Quebecore closed. They broke NAFTA stuff and he will be reimbursed by them to equal his wage no matter where he got a job. He chose wal-mart. he was in the deli, which pretty much sucked and asked to be transfered to the donut area, he got it. They bake their donuts which come in frozen, should be cake (tee he he).

A blog about donuts.

So Monday night after my first day I go for a bike ride with friends and Fuggles, she did 10 miles. I enjoy a few brews, 3-4 over the course of the whole evening, hardly a buzz (over 5 hours). Yet Tues morning I feel hungover. I now know what it was. I had to mess with windows all fricking day at my new job. It just drained me working with the craptacular OS. I hate to be a snob, but it is just so frustrating dealing with something so inferior when you have to administer a network. Putty, winscp, all the rebooting, ugh……

I got a crappy workstation that had XP installed on it to use. I worked with the guys, got used to their domain setup, got my computer all in order, it sucked. First off I had to use windows on a crappy PC. It just sucked all the joy out of the whole new job thing. Yes working at the state IT dept I will be in windows often. But using it as my desktop just killed me. I can deal with windows in a VM as long as I am actually using linux as my desktop.

So I go home, download the newest beta ubuntu linux, feisty fawn, and load it up at work today. I get my XP virtual machine going but the PC I am working on only has 512 of ram and it is hurting. The guys I work with feel my pain and hook me up with an awesome machine (they suggested it, I did not bitch a bit). A pentium 4 dual core 3.2 ghz dual monitor 2GB of RAM badass. I went into work this eve for a few hours just to get it all kicking. The thing is rocking with beryl and my XP VM has a gig of ram for itself. I like new job Can’t wait to go in tomorrow.

Well it looks like today is the last day I will be working in the Capitol doing IT stuff for the Legislature. Well kinda. I am being contracted out tot he state IT department for six months which hopefully will end with me becoming part of their department.

Why am I sad? Well this has been a dream job. I was very lucky to get a job here and I have learned soooooo much. Plus I knew people who worked here for many years before I started, in fact that is how I got the job. So I will definitely miss my coworkers and the positive atmosphere.

I will be working in the Division of communications just an underground tunnel away from them though. And well we will be dealing with each other often. So I am not too far out of the loop. I would of been completely happy staying where I am, but when you get an opportunity, well you should not pass it up.

Well lets see. I did a bunch of crap there. Gonna save the cool one for the next post though.

- Expediter - Work the expo or basically the person who takes the food from the cooks and trays it up for the servers. booring and kinda stressful, but not too bad.

- Manager (kinda)- I would do some late shifts and some early ones when other “real” managers were not around.

- Bartender - Well mostly a daytime bartender. So I filled soda and maybe a few drinks. basically I was the front of the house. A glorified host and cashier for breaking bills and ringing up employee food. it was lame and booooooring. night time was different though. it could get busy and many folks liked to sit at the bar and eat / drink. Specially if the place was full and they could not get a table and of course the employee lounge was quite a money maker. Then there was football saturdays.

Oh man let me tell you a bit about those.

So during my time in the pizza biz, meeting my life partner, and realizing being a manager of min wage employees sucks, I got into home brewing big time. Theresa even drank a few of my homebrews while trying to win me over, but she was actually tricking me cuz she does not drink and spilled some on accident (yeah right ). I was interested in working at a brewery. Crane river hired me as a server.

Hmmmm…… I guess I can really lay into the place now that it is defunct, but I will not be too harsh. As I had mentioned about my Village Inn days, restaurant workers are drunks and druggies. The hippy like atmosphere there only made it worse. Kind of a unique place, really was like a true brewpub. Was actually a clone of Wynkoop brewpub in CO. Same equipment and menu, well really close.

After managing the pizza joint I switched to delivering pizza’s since that was one of the best jobs I have ever had. Figured I would earn some more tips by delivering flowers during the day for a very popular flower shop. Knowing the delivery biz I was hired immediately and get trained for 1/2 a day and I was off. Right away I figured I had made a big mistake. Flower delivery guys do not make tips, well hardly ever.

Oh the joys being the boss of a bunch of minimum wage workers
So after being one of the first employees and an dependable delivery driver I was offered a management position. The salary was pretty nice, but it was the possibility of bonus’s which sealed the deal. Also consider I was padding my resume and being a manager seemed pretty cool to me.

As with most food service management jobs you get to work a bunch of hours. I was expected to work 50 hours, but always ended up covering peoples asses and having to come in to save the day. i averaged well over 50 hours a week. Still the stress was not too bad, the paychecks were huge, and I felt important. Eventually I was promoted to General Manager of the busiest store in Nebraska. All other managers from other stores learned from me. I trained general managers for other stores. I was cool.

So bonus’s are based on FLM, Food, Labor, and Milage. I was soooooo close twice to getting a pretty nice bonus which I would keep the most and give some to my other managers. Then finally I hit one. It was awesome, I was making more managing then when I was driving. Then came the next manager meeting. The owner made the bonus’s harder to get. I was fricking pissed. I started to evaluate the toll working that much had done to my mind and body. Eating pizza for all meals 5 days aweek had done some damage to my slender frame. I decided to go back to delivery.

I was an awesome manager though. i made the owners really proud, but I was awesome to work for. I was more of a friend than a boss. The pizza biz is that way though. Drivers are happy, min wage in store peeps do what they have to do. Most duties were light since it is just product going out. not much dishes or cleaning. It was just a fun place to work. When I went back to driving things did not run as well. It was kind of a bummer, but I was happy.

So after moving out of my house and doing pretty good at the window tinting place I wanted a few more bucks in my wallet. i searched the want ads and saw Pappa Johns Pizza was hiring staff. I was the 3rd person hired before the store even opened. i helped set the place up and delivered the first day.

This will go down as one of my best jobs ever. imagine doing an eight hour shift but only being at work for maybe 45 minutes of that time. All the rest is in your car with your six CD changer and cruising campus.

The harder you work the more you make. It is all about knowing the streets, places, people, and being fast and ambitious. Group those pies. If there are deliveries to Harper, Schram, and Smith grab them all. Call the students and tell them you will be there in 5 minutes. Figure 10 pies, a buck each tip in 15 minutes and you bank. Sure you might have to take one to Surfside apts, but you drop another off on the way. Bust your ass back and keep on going.

So delivering to frats and sororities is a huge pain. Call them and let them know you will be there in 5 minutes, knock, knock, call, wait, wait, finally some person lets you in and goes and gets Buffy or Butch. Avoid frats at all costs. Easy $80 to $150 a night + wage and mileage, it ruled.

The days that ruled were snow. I had a 4X4 and could go anywhere fast. Peeps tip extra on crappy days. Oh and there is always the possible special delivery. Call it in and you get 30 minutes. Never got a special delivery though. If you need a young man to fulfill your sexual dreams call and order a pizza, please

Oh and the parties, man those were fun. If you chose you could enjoy some refreshments and know where to go after work. Everybody loves the pizza guy. There were many funny deliveries. Porn on the tube, guys hiding the bong, nighties or dudes in skivvies. Dogs, drunks, and the guy who always tips $5. We would fight for those. Let me make one thing really really clear. The pizza guy knows your phone number and where you live. Do not be a dick or not tip. Believe me. On the screen when you order there will be notes. If you rule you will get a good pie and awesome delivery, if you have a negative note, well, lets just say TIP THE PIZZA GUY AND BE NICE ON THE PHONE. it is in your best interest.

Just got a call from the Sandy’s peeps and they would like me to bartend their Xmas party Sunday eve.

It should be a hoot.

I worked at Auto Tint for about 4 years. it was a pretty neat job. i had gotten my truck tinted, wrecked it 5 days later, brought in my new one and the owner thought my girlfriend was hot. he offered me a job.

Couple things about window tinting.
- the stuff from the auto parts store is complete crap. it is too thin, creases too easy, and will not last but a fortnight.
- Even though you think you are good, you will do a horrible job. It is way trickier that you would think.
- you will get what you pay for. Quality tint costs a fricking ton. you are looking at $200-400 wholsale for a 100 ft roll. The good stuff is thick, has good pressure sensitive adhesive, will not break down or turn purple in one year. Plus usually you will get a lifetime or pert long warranty, it is well worth it. Plus it will not look like a epileptic monkey put it on the car.
- It is an art. It takes a good amount of skill and mostly experience to put it on correctly.

This is where I found out that American cars are complete pieces of shit, at least interior wise. Stupid plastic fasteners, having to remove the rear seats just to get the back deck out, piece of shit rear window triangle lights that melt, crappy screws, C clips, etc…. In a honda you needed a 10mm and a 5/16 socket to get everything out, simple.

The trick to keeping the tint from peeling on windows that roll up and down was to make sure the film went under the weatherstripping. Sometimes you could just fold it down, on American cars you sometimes had to remove the door panel, what a nightmare.

Rear windows is what it all comes down to. The sleek curves and convexes are tough. Film is not stretchy at all. back in the day you had to cut strips along the defroster lines, now they heat shrink the film. It takes bunches of practice with a paint stripping gun. One little messup that creases the film can set you back an hour worth of work.

You must make sure the glass is clean, but not only the glass, the surrounding window gaskets, fluffy upholstery and such. So think about doing a 95 monte carlo that has seen nothing but dirt roads? We soaked the crap out of the insides of cars flushing the crap out with water.

So here is the dirty info. The tinter is gonna be all over your car, in the back seat, trunk, front seat, moving seats forward and such. We get to see every dirty little bit and what you are trying to hide. I wave been waist deep in dog hair, fast food wrappers, child seats, and all sorts of unmentionables. Found a bunch of incest porn in a truck, dildoes, joints, french fries, you get the picture. Clean your car out if you don’t want us to know you are a peterast or slob.

I helped a friend make dounuts at Daylight Donuts in Bethany for about a year. It is quite an interesting job. you smell like a donut even after scrubbing with turpentine for a few weeks. I worked in the evenings, it was min wage but a bunch of fun. Pure cash and all the donuts I could eat + soda.

So I guess i will fill you in on how fricking gross donuts are.

- The oil was actually shortening, it was solid and you had to carve off hunks and melt them into the fryer many times through the night. We would go through one huge ass block a day.

- the glaze is nothing more than water and powdered sugar. We used a basket like thing that had holes in the bottom. This was in a huge bin and the donuts would be pulled from the oil placed on the rack and covered in glaze.

- Bavarian cream, strawberry filling, and some other fruit type things came in buckets. The white cream was really really gross though. It is W-4 shortening and powdered sugar whipped to a froth. Yup sugar and fat whipped, that is why it tasted so good.

- Frostings were powdered sugar (seeing a trend here?) and mixings. You take the donut out of the oil, wait for it to cool a bit, plop it into the frosting, twist and decorate or put on the rack.

So you have two types of donut, yeast risen and cake. Cake is pretty simple, add water, mix, and use a dropper right into the oil. Raised yeast ones are a bunch of work. All donut flour came in big bags pre-mixed since it was a franchise. Water, mix and yeast. Let it rise, punch it down, let it rise again, then roll it out and start cutting. Put them in the proof box which makes them rise. gotta watch them closely, other wise they can go bad fast by getting to poofy.

- 1st dough. This would be the staple for all donut places, your standard glazed donut. What you figure 2 cents worth of product, almost pure profit. Then donut holes, twists, and knots. Take all the little bits of dough left over and knead it again and let it rise. it is now 2nd dough.

- 2nd dough. Since it has been manhandled and kneaded again it will be a bit tougher and not as poofy. This is where your more sturdy goodies come from. Bismarks, longjohns, and variations of that theme. They are the filled ones. Filling was not too bad. You have a container with a hand lever and a spike with a hole. Stab, squirt, and put on the cooling rack. filled donut holes are awesome. Take leftover bits, knead…… 3rd dough.

- 3rd dough. This is tough stuff, it is where cinnamon rolls come from. Take bits, knead….

- 4th dough. Only one thing is made from 4th dough, apple fritters. Fritters are the loneliest donut, they are made up of all their friends. They are so dense they almost sink in the oil.

7 fricking cavaties during that year of making donuts, and I still smell like a donut.

Dam those stupid uniforms. being a server is almost an art. You gotta be thinking in the proper mindset and not get distracted by the horrific side boob of a large woman at table C7. Multitasking is the name of the game. Got trained by a cocky bastard, took about 10 minutes. The PLU#’s are on the ticket, punch it into the puter, pretend to give a crap and hope you are either busy or get off early.

Your section was determined by the time you came in. “Oh please PLEASE dont put me in the smoking section. Seriously smokers are a whole different breed when it comes to working in a fricking Village Inn. Fricking scroads. Sit there and drink 4 gallons of coffee whick sucking down a pack of the cheapest smokes they sell. Total bill $0.85, no tip (yeah not even the 15 fricking cents change), and my table was occupied for 3 hours. Plus scroads like to be with their own kind, that means a whole fricking section of NTMF’s (Non Tipping Mother Forkers).

Lucky for me I worked the night shift mostly. There was a country bar down the street, when it was 1 AM they would come in in droves. i fricking worked it like a pro. Getting people coffe cups so they could pour their beer in them that they snuck in, little extra things to get a good tip.

Sat and Sun mornings were awesome. You could easily make $100 or pert near it on one good morning shift. Remember I was young, and hungover. This money was fricking awesome. The paychecks were horrible though. See you make $2.13 an hour currently. Don’t even remember what it was back then, then you pay taxes on your tips, min is 8% so you figure out 8.01% and claim that. So you get tiny checks. I used to just get the whole paycheck in quarters, serious. There were times where I would not even get anything checkwise. $0.00 man that sucked.