An “evil†clone, by definition, is not necessarily evil at all: he is simply your opposite. If you’re a jerk, he’s nice; if you’re selfish, he’s generous; if you have a beard, he’s clean shaven. How useful could an evil clone be, a being who is visually identical to you but completely your opposite in every other way? Very, very useful, as it turns out.
It can do your chores for you
Human beings, in general, are lazy creatures. This is an unavoidable fact, its only exceptions being meth addicts and obsessive-compulsives. Therefore, if you were to create an evil clone of yourself, that clone would absolutely delight in performing everyday tasks like chores or work.
Do you hate filling out TPS reports? Your clone won’t. Don’t feel like doing your laundry? Your clone will! This is a double-edged sword, however: while your clone is doing all of your work for you, you have all the free time you want. You will literally never have to work again. Boredom will increase tenfold. You will realize just how empty and meaningless your life is without all of the little rituals and jobs you would otherwise occupy your time with.
Still, though, at least you won’t have to make your bed anymore.
You can pin crimes on it
Kill, steal, rape, and destroy, but make sure that your clone is at home when the cops finally catch on. It’s a scientific fact* that humans, if given the chance, would be completely immoral creatures. Evolutionarily speaking, our impulses gravitate toward satiating our desires, which usually involves a lot of eating and killing and screwing.
Your evil clone won’t make these crimes any easier to accomplish (it’s a catch-22: if you’re weak and can’t kill someone on your own, your clone will be strong and capable. But if you want to kill someone but are unable to, then your clone will not want to kill that person despite having the ability to do so), but it’ll make the aftermath a whole hell of a lot simpler. So long as you hide for a long enough time, and so long as your clone is in plain sight, he’ll be the one to go down for the count.
And the best part is that right after your clone is convicted and sentenced to death, you can come out of hiding and reveal yourself as the true criminal – and neither the court nor the cops will be able to do anything about it. Since you and your clone both have the same DNA and fingerprints, there’s no way to be absolutely sure which one of you didn’t. And, thanks to the double jeopardy rule, even if they eventually decide it was you, they can’t take you to court because they already tried your evil clone! Legal loopholes for the win!
You can fake your own death
Anyone who has ever taken out a large loan has, for at least ten seconds, thought of a way to fake their own death. Since most modern loans aren’t passed on to the next of kin, you could hypothetically steal hundreds of thousands of dollars just by taking out huge loans, buying a bunch of stuff, and then killing your evil clone and letting everyone think that the dead body is you.
You’ll have to get plastic surgery and change your identity. Prior to the murder of your clone, you can write a will bequeathing everything you bought with the loan money to your future identity. After “your†death, people will look at your will and, confused, will wonder why you’re giving your Beverly Hills mansion with the diamond-encrusted toilets to some stranger named Franklin Pettigrew, but after some facial reconstruction and a name change, you’ll be able to enjoy the spoils of your stolen property. Granted, your name will be something stupid like “Frank Pettigrew,†but it’s easy to look past that when you’re taking a shit on diamonds.
You can piss off Bible-thumpers
Hardcore Christians really, really hate the idea of cloning. “You’re playing God,†they cry. “It’s unnatural.†And while these statements aren’t necessarily untrue, they’re just covers for the real fear that cloning presents: cloning means we may not need God. If mankind finds out how to create life from nothing, and finds out how to sustain that life indefinitely, then there’ll be a whole lot of empty churches and lonely televangelists. Religion would slowly be phased out as an antiquated thing of the past.
But what would replace it? What would mankind use to fill the enormous void that religion’s destruction would leave?
Ah, fuck it. I’ve got an evil clone, who cares about church? I’ve got loans to apply for.
You can have sex with it
I’m not necessarily saying you will, but the option is always there. If you ever want to test drive a homosexual lifestyle –- see how it handles, what the gas mileage is like, if there are any special features –- you might as well try it out on yourself. Hell, if you’re a girl, you could videotape the whole experience and become a goddamn millionaire. If you’re a guy, it might be a little harder to go through with, but you’d probably get used to it after a while.
Plus, if you’ve got a girlfriend or something, having sex with your clone doesn’t count as cheating. Like when your dog licks peanut butter off your balls (because it’s your dog).
Makes it easier to cheat on your girlfriend(s) with
Speaking of girlfriends, didn’t you ever wish you could be two places at once? Part of you is having incredibly perverted sex with a nymphomaniac you met at a rave, while the other part is cuddling with your girlfriend and pretending that you enjoy it? An evil clone would solve that problem instantly. Since you have opposite opinions, your evil clone actually likes your girlfriend, and really, truly enjoys cuddling with her. He finds the prospect of sex disgusting (which, incidentally, your girlfriend probably does too).
What’s even better is that after you force your clone to leave and you take your place alongside your girlfriend, she’ll now think of you as the sweetest, most sensitive guy in the world thanks to the actions of your evil clone. And what do sweet, sensitive guys get from their loving girlfriends?
Blowjobs. Lots and lots of blowjobs.
You can fight it to the death
Your clone probably won’t want to fight you, but who gives a fuck what it wants? Within every man there lies the desire to tear a living thing apart with his bear hands, and what could be better than fighting an evil version of yourself? It’s the stuff epic science fiction is made of. Not to say it won’t be difficult. If you’re weak, your evil clone will be strong. If you’re bad with melee weapons, your clone will be like Casey Jones. If you’re honorable, your clone will fight dirty. Granted, the kind of people who would intentionally create an evil clone solely for the purpose of killing it probably won’t be the type to fight clean, so you’ll probably be safe.
Also, for added fun, find an active volcano and fight on its lip. After beating your evil clone to within an inch of his life, say something clever (“I was always the better-looking oneâ€) and chuck his ass into the lava. After that moment, you can die knowing that you have lived a full life.
No tags
