This was my first real job. At 14 years old I got in as a busser from a friend Jeff. They hired me on the spot and I was trained on a busy sat morning. It is a pretty simple job, clean off tables and set them back up. But there is an art to it, and a way to make extra $. So you have your buss cart, two lower shelves, and the top that all have buss tubs on them, and a silverware tray. There was one way to fit all the different plates on the top tub so they would all fit. Middle for glasses, and the bottom tub for trash.

It all came down to speed, faster you did your job the better you looked to the boss man, and the sooner you could take a smoke break or goof off. I was fast, I mean the fastest. I could do a table in under a minute. So the trick was to work the servers, get them to tip you. It all started from a guy named Davin, he would tip me to clean his tables first. Funny thing was he was a dick about how he gave me the tips. jam it in some pancakes, put change in an ashtray, in syrup bottles, but I still made extra $. Eventually turned all the servers on each other and I benefited. Those were the days.

So you know when you get to a table that has just been wiped off and it is still wet, it is pure bacteria. Sure times have changed a bit, the health department makes you use specific levels of sanitizer and it gets used when the inspector comes in, but all other times it is gross. You think I am gonna go re wet my rag in the sanitizer or spill some water on it from someones glass when I can clean Marcy’s table and get a tip from her? Seriously, they are gross.

Oh and this was my first experience with dish cleanification engineers (dishwashers). There is a reason it is the absolutely lowest job on the totem pole. You do not have to be sane to wash dishes. In fact let me introduce you to the first two I met.

Chicken Fucker- yup that is right, chicken fucker. Guess how he got that name? Dude was batshit crazy old guy who smelled horrible. He would throw fits, and cuss, and never smiled. If you called him chicken fucker he would freak out. I befriended him, as I always do with crazy people, and he actually admitted to me he would fuck chickens on the farm. It took me about 15 years to watch something the internets that made me know it was possible.

Mark - he was mentally challenged and on medication. Big guy, and pretty gullible. The cooks (will talk about them in the next section) were mean to him. Once gave him grill oil and told him it was OJ. They also had a plate of speed pills (more on drug use later) which they told him were candy. He did not like the candy. He would be covered from head to toe in water, he would even pee himself. To stop him from peeing himself they made him wear garbage bags to keep dry. Seroiusly dude, he was a hoot. His mom and dad came in all the time, pure WT iffin you know what I mean. His dad died and not a week later his mom was fucking a scroad (person who comes in and only drinks coffee wasting a table that could turn over and make the server more $). Mark stormed out and started beating on the guy, was funny. He later got fired for masturbating in the bathroom.